I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
