I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
