'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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