he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
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YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
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He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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