Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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