Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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