I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
