margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
