and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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