I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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