true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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