Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.