my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
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she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
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I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.