turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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