A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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