I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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