when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
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If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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