I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
