So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
