perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
