just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
