I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
