Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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