I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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