You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
