From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
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Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
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Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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