Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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