you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
