haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
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