so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
