This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
