I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
