My sheets look like a crime scene.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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