did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
