News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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