burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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