i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
