just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
