textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
