i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
