I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
