LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
