I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
