So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
