remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
