Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Randomize
