I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
