if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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