she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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