Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
