so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
