I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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