when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
