I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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