No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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