I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
