I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
