I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
