i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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