i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
