he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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