Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
