I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
