My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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