Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
