I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
