Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
